Kensington Sound
Located in the heart of Kensington Market, Kensington Sound is Toronto’s oldest operational recording studio. Since 1972, Kensington Sound has worked with hundreds of artists and is home to multiple gold and platinum records.
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In a Word: Diabolical
“…..bbbbzzzzzzzzz……….ch……bzzzzzzz…CHECK!!!!!....bbbbzzzzzzch….ch…..ch….It was just supposed to have been a short one hour voice-over session. The client was a stand-up comic who needed to record a few skits to add to his demo reel. His name was Charles, a tall slender man with an impish grin. I led him into the soundro“Hey, you are one of our first clients,” I said. “We just opened this upstairs facility a few weeks ago. We used to be downstairs.”
I set up a Neumann U-87 condenser microphone, one of our best microphones, plugged it in, gave him a set of headphones and went into the control room to check levels. “…..if you could just say check a few times…” I spoke into the talkback microphone.
Nothing.
I could see him staring at me through the glass window, his lips moving but there was no sound. I double-checked the input strip on the mixing console. Everything seemed fine. The phantom power switch was on, the gain control was at noon position and the fader was up. On the ½ track tape machine, tracks were armed.
I went back into the soundroom.
“Sorry, man. I’m not getting any signal. Must be a bad microphone cable.” Charles frowned a little.
“Well, whatever….I don’t have much time…”
I quickly switched the cable and went back into the control room.
“…yes…..just say check a few times again….thanks….”
“……..ch………..CHECK!!!!…chh…….
c……nothing……..chec…….!!!
The damn microphone was cutting in and out. Bad cable? But I had just switched it. I went back into the soundroom with another lame apology.
“Sheesh. Sorry man..let me switch this cable one more time.”
I also checked the polar pattern switch on the U-87 to make sure it wasn’t stuck in a halfway position or something. There was nothing visibly wrong. I replaced the cable yet again and went back into the control room.
“…..bbbbzzzzzzzzz……….ch……bzzzzzzz…CHECK!!!!!….bbbbzzzzzzch….ch…..ch…..”
What the? Now I had a buzz. I started to get nervous. We had finished the wiring in a hurry to stick to our opening date and truth be told, I was not a hundred percent confident yet that all the bugs had been worked out.
“Aaahhh…..sorry man…can you wiggle the cord a little for me…..”
“Sure, man like this….?” Charles wiggled the microphone cable while talking into it.
“……….Ch……..Check…….HUMmmmmmmmmmmmm………..Bzzzzz….hummmmmmm………hummmmmmm………chec……….CHECK!!!!…..bzzzzzzz………”
Crap. Now I had a buzz AS WELL as a hum AS WELL as an intermittent signal. Trying not to panic, I rushed back into the soundroom.
“I have no idea what’s going on man. I just used this microphone yesterday and it was fine. Just give me a sec. I’m going to replace everything in the chain.”
So I replaced the U-87 with a U-47, used yet another microphone cable (the third one so far), plugged it into a different input strip on the mixing console and then went back into the control room feeling quite exasperated.
“………………………..crackle……….ccrrrracccckkklllle………………crackle……………”
Groan.
Well, this was new. The hum and the buzz had gone, but now I had a static crackle coming through the speakers.
“Yikes! Man I am SO sorry……”
Charles was looking a little teed off now.
“Listen, I appreciate the apology but are we going to get this done or not? I came in all the way from Oakville and I’ve got to drive back to make my 9 pm show. Can you not get just one microphone to work properly in this studio???”
I began to sweat.
I went back out into the soundroom completely baffled. I sat on the floor, head in my hands trying to figure things out. I looked at the two microphone cables on the floor, double-checked the U-47 and went over the trouble shooting I had done over and over again. I gulped in nervousness. I really didn’t have an explanation or any solution.
“Here you try the microphone.” Charles said, giving me his headphones.
“Uh….okay….”
I took the headphones from him and talked into the microphone.
“Check, check……one, two, three….check…CHECK!!!!”
What the…..? I spoke again into the microphone.
“Check, check….one, two, three…..”
Clear as a bell.
Charles was looking at the ground. I turned to him and said. “What the heck is going on? I can hear my voice clear as a bell.”
He slowly raised his head and looked at me. I noticed two small tears trickling down either side of his face. Then with his face writhing and twisting, Charles literally exploded into laughter. He doubled over, wheezing, trying to catch his breath…
“Oh man….that was SO funny….He had trouble spitting the words out….”I just couldn’t keep it up anymore….!”
I was completely perplexed.
“What are you talking about?”
“Sorry, man. I’ve been joshin’ you all along man!!!! I was just acting as if there was something wrong with your microphone…I was making all those weird sounds with my voice…just listen…..
“……..hhuummmmm……..cccrracckkkklllleeeeee……buuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzz………see???”
I looked at him, stunned, as he effortlessly mimicked all the sounds that had just driven me completely bonkers for the last twenty minutes. The audio distortion sounds were so realistic, it was uncanny. I had to confess he as quite brilliant in that regard anyway.
As I stood there cables hanging limply from my hands feeling like a complete idiot, Charles’s shoulders began to shake in laughter again……he couldn’t stop giggling.
“Man…..that was SO FREAKIN’ FUNNY!!!!!! I guess I should apologize but hey you know what? You’ve given me a GREAT idea….., this could be a killer stand-up routine! ………too bad we DIDN’T TAPE IT!!!!”
He looked at me with shining eyes and that impish grin of his.
“Oh yeah,” I agreed. “What a shame.”
-Vezi
