Kensington Sound
Located in the heart of Kensington Market, Kensington Sound is Toronto’s oldest operational recording studio. Since 1972, Kensington Sound has worked with hundreds of artists and is home to multiple gold and platinum records.
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I’ve Got a Hit Song
In the early days of the studio, we used to wait in anticipation for the Lottman’s Bakery to open in the morning. That was when Berge and I would make a point of being the first to snag two of their famous strawberry custard tarts. They were huge and unbelievably good. Over the course of those first few years, I managed to devour quite a few of them: they’re probably remnants of them still inside my body -stuck to my arteries no doubt. One of these mornings we were all gathered around munching on these tarts and having our coffees when the phone rang.
I picked it up.
“Hello, Kensington Sound.”
“I have a hit song for you.”
“Excuse me, hello.”
“I have written a hit song. Do you want it?”
“Hello, who is this? This is Kensington Sound.”
“Are you deaf? I said I’ve written the biggest hit song you will ever hear. You can buy it from me.”
“Aaahh…you’ve written a hit song….well, that may very well be ..…but you see, we need to hear it of course….”
By now, everyone around me is listening in, curious as to what the heck is going on.
I continued, “You see – if you think you have written a real hit song (looking at the others with a knowing grin), then by all means we would be happy to hear it and then decide if it we would be interested in publishing it.”
“Well, it’s definitely a smash. I mean anyone who heard it even once would be able to tell right away. I am assuming you guys are in the business of judging talent and music and …..”
“Well, yes, but we need to hear the song of course. Do you have it on a cassette you could bring over?”
“No, it hasn’t been recorded yet…I just wrote it yesterday.”
“Well then, you can come down in person if you like and sing it to us here in the studio. We have all the instruments you might need or perhaps you could bring your guitar.”
“I don’t have a guitar. I’m telling you it‘s a monster hit. You would be stupid not to buy it. It’s going to make a ton of money.”
“Hey man, ok, I get it. Listen, we have guitars here and we’re here now. Why don’t you drop over and we’ll have a listen.”
“No. I don’t want anybody else I don’t know to listen to it. They might steal it. You sound like you are a nice guy. I’ll sing it for you – but only you, nobody else.”
“Okay, okay, that’s fine. You don’t want anybody else around (raised eyebrows all around)…come on down and I promise you I will give you a completely private listen…”
A couple of hours later, a tall, muscle-bound guy ran up the stairs, Italian perhaps? He seemed a little nervous, fidgety.
“Okay, who’s the guy I was talking to?”
I introduced myself as the studio producer.
“Hi. My name is Vezi. I’m the guy you were speaking to. Why don’t we go into the soundroom. We can be alone in there and then you can sing me your song.”
I took him in. Sitting down at the piano, I motioned to some guitars leaning against the wall.
“Feel free to grab any guitar you want.”
“I don’t play guitar.”
“Oh. Well then, I can play guitar and you can play piano.”
“I don’t play piano.”
“Oh. …aah……well then….hmmnnn….you just sing then…..the song is just a melody and words you have in your head?…..”
“Yeah, yeah….that’s it. It’s all in my head…I got it all right up here.”
He pointed to his head.
“Well….that makes things a little more difficult….we have to figure out the chords and all….”
“Listen man, I’m telling you it’s a hit, a smash hit. You’re going to love it! No way you’re not going to want to buy it.”
He was shuffling his feet now, definitely fighting the willies.
“Okay….I believe you….well I guess…just start singing and I’ll try to figure out the chords from what you sing…no reason to be nervous….there’s just us here, go ahead.”
Silence.
He looked confused and nervous. He stared at me. I looked at him and moving my hands in a comforting, leading motion, encouraged him to start.
Silence.
He was really nervous. He cleared his throat and then muttered, “Well, aren’t you going to play the music first?”
I blinked.
“What music?”
“You know….you know the music for the song…”
I was baffled.
“What music? You haven’t sung a note yet.”
“Well, how can I sing if there is no music?”
I started to feel I was one of the actors in the old Abbot and Costello comedy skit ‘Who’s on First”.
“….what music!???!!! What are you talking about? How can I play music when I don’t even know what you are going to sing…huh? Tell me.”
But he didn’t give in. It was a complete stand-off.
“Hey man. You’re giving me a hard time. Why I don’t know. I can’t sing if you are not going to play the music. Geez, I thought you were a professional. Just play the music, you know…you know…. the music you guys always play.”
We stared at each other.
I looked past him into the control room. Through the darkened windows I could see Mike, Berge and the rest of the gang. They had snuck in, switched a microphone on and were now doubled over in laughter.
Knowing quite what to say or where to begin and with hands frozen on the piano, I explained that he might have to find another musician that could somehow ‘play his music first’.
I tried one last time to reason with him.
“Listen, man. You may have a song, sorry a hit song, but you have to be able to at least sing it without any instruments. Don’t you understand? It’s impossible for me to read your mind and play music for something I have never heard. No…..?”
He looked at me with contempt.
“Well thanks for wasting my time. Boy you guys are total amateurs here. I’ll just find someone else. You idiots missed out on making millions.”
He stomped off in a steaming huff, slamming the door behind him and left me staring at the piano keys, pondering my career choices and the state of my universe in general.
I spent the next few years in total dread of finding out perhaps, on some late night talk show or on the evening news that one of the biggest hits ever to hit radio that year had in fact, started with: (I can hear the announcer) “nothing at all. What a miraculous success story we have for you all out there in TvLand tonight!”
In which case, somebody would have had to bring me a noose, a good sturdy one so I could hang myself with it. Oh, no need to worry – I wouldn’t have needed any music before starting.
-Vezi
You should have just played a current radio single… make him believe it’s his. Then tell him someone stole it and it is already on radio… Well maybe next time :p